Well I Have You to Begin With

I love how God uses my music collection to speak to me at least twice a week.  It's like he has it on shuffle and just decides to use the most random song to either show himself to me or to speak to me or make me see something I missed forever ago.  For example, last night I was driving on my way home from eating dinner with my parents and I was listening to one of my favorite bands.  Band of Horses and I have been through a lot together.  They've seen me at my best and my worst.  All last year and through the summer they helped keep me sane and at the same time contributed to the loss of my sanity.  Last night while I was listening to them I was remembering how different my life was last year and how depressed I was.  Which then of course brings up the causes of depression.  


One of the main things that started my depression last year was a really difficult break-up.  The longer we were apart the more I would see just how much we weren't supposed to be together.  Our relationship was incredibly serious all the time.  I honestly could count on one hand how many times we laughed together and just played.  I know that sounds like we're five, but I like to have fun, A LOT.  If you know me you understand.  I was constantly trying to be something I wasn't to keep being with him and it took me forever to realize that.  So long, in fact, that I lost who I was.  Slowly I am finding that person again.  Recently this process has been sped up due to a major change in my life.  Not only, do I have amazing friends who have accepted me for who I am, immature or not, I now have this amazing guy in my life who I have the best time hanging out with.  I can be doing the dumbest thing ever, most recently was Star Wars character impersonations, and he just starts laughing at me.  However,  the second I get embarrassed, he just wraps his arms around me and pulls me in closer and tells me I have no need to be embarrassed because he loves it.  He realizes this is who I am and not only does he accept me, he loves me.  


Last night I was listening to Part One by Band of Horses.  The lyrics go like such:


To the bottom dear, I had to fall
But you really caught me
You really caught me, dear
At the bottom where I'd fallen.

And slowly dear, ask would you dance with me
Here with the shades down
And the lights off

I didn't know you
And everything I do
Done badly

Now I'll love you always
Even when I say
You distract me.

And sit out tonight in some strange place
If we have no friends here
Well I have you to begin with

To wake next to you in the morning
And good morning to you.
How do you do?
Hey, good morning to you!
More covers for you.
Sleep soundly dear cause I have to go.

And I'll love you always.
When we leave this place
And drive back to carolina
And down to savannah and stay.


Needless to say this made me realize how thankful I am for Caleb.  He really is my best friend.  I feel more like myself everyday with him and yet at the same time a better person.  God literally never ceases to blow my mind, good or bad, but my mind is blown nevertheless.  He introduced me to Caleb mid to end September right around the time I had surrendered and was finally ok with being alone for the rest of my life.  Just before I completely lost myself, or you could say he caught me just before the bottom.  


I know that everyone always says this and I feel like it gets said so much people have a tendency to just look it over and rather get caught up in feelings, but I encourage all of you to find someone who you can literally be nothing but yourself around and who will pull you closer when you do and tell you that THAT is exactly why they love you.  And if you do have that someone in your life, hold on to them each and everyday and never take them for granted. 


Merry Christmas! :) 

Baby It's Cold Outside...

So, it's officially December.  It has been for a week I know, I'm a little behind, but December nevertheless. Cold weather is one of the things I both love and hate about winter.  I love the cold weather during Christmas and New Years, but come 12:01am on January 1st, I'm over it.  I also only truly like the cold weather when it's snowing and even then I'd prefer to enjoy it from the window inside my warm house or car or the mall, if I'm being honest.  

I know a lot people hate the mall around the holidays, but I've got to tell you I love it!  There are so many people there I can just grab a coffee, sit back and enjoy the show.  Christmas always brings the most interesting people to the mall.  I also love being out and about in the hustle and bustle of the season, the rush of Christmas.  I thrive on it.  Everything from the HORRID traffic to the angry shoppers to the friendliest bell ringers outside every door in Springfield.  You see, I love Christmas, literally everything about it.  

One of the main reasons, is because no matter where you are in life or who you're arguing with in your family, somehow and in someway, it's like the world stops for just one day and everyone seems to come together.  I love it.  It's just further proof of how amazing and undeniable God is.  No matter how much we manipulate Christmas into being this materialistic holiday to celebrate ourselves, we always seem to come together in the end, and isn't that how God created us to be- pure and honest fellowship, one body?  I love Christmas.  

I also love Santa.  I found this letter on Pintrest, yes I'm an addict, where this little girl left a note for her mother and asked her mother if she was Santa Claus.  Her mother responded telling her that yes, she is the one who fills the stockings and puts the gifts under the tree, but this does not make her Santa.  She then said, "Santa is bigger than any one person, and his work has gone on longer than any of us have lived. What he does is simple, but it is powerful. He teaches children how to have belief in something they can’t see or touch.  It’s a big job, and it’s an important one. Throughout your life, you will need this capacity to believe: in yourself, in your friends, in your talents and in your family. You’ll also need to believe in things you can’t measure or even hold in your hand. Here, I am talking about love, that great power that will light your life from the inside out, even during its darkest, coldest moments.  Santa is a teacher, and I have been his student, and now you know the secret of how he gets down all those chimneys on Christmas Eve: he has help from all the people whose hearts he’s filled with joy.  With full hearts, people like Daddy and me take our turns helping Santa do a job that would otherwise be impossible.  So, no. I am not Santa. Santa is love and magic and hope and happiness. I’m on his team, and now you are, too."  It frustrates me to no end when people try to defile the name of Santa and say that it is a way to push out God from Christmas.  Just like this letter says, Santa is one of the first things our children choose to believe whole heartedly in.  Santa is a teacher of a lesson that as we get older we are so desperately in need of learning again.  I know that this letter is just another reminder of what God has been teaching me through the most crucial time in my life.  To believe.  In Him, in people, in love, in life, in myself, in anything as long as you believe.  

Merry Christmas. 

It's November. Thanksgiving. (Part Four)

So, as we approach Thanksgiving I begin to become more and more aware to the vast amount of blessings in my life.  You can just go back and read the few posts I've done since starting this blog and see how completely my life has changed.  I was in a dark place when I first started this blog, and for some miraculous reason unbeknownst to me God has used this blog to pull me out and teach me so many things. That, right there, is what I'm thankful for now.  I am thankful for God's bizarre style of saving us all in ways as unique as each of us are.  


It's no secret that I am a huge music freak.  I love everything about it.  I especially love how you can speak directly to a person's soul through the lyrics.  God knows this about me better than anyone.  One of the most obvious ways God speaks to me is through songs, and not just praise and worship songs.  He shows up in some of the most unexpected places all the time, and those songs speak more to my soul than "church" music does.  Most recently he popped up in a song from the Breaking Dawn Soundtrack, Requiem on Water by Imperial Mammoth.  The chorus to this song goes like this:


And though your arms and legs are under
Love will be the echo in your 
Ears when all is lost in plunder 
My love will be there still.


After everything I've been through the past couple of years, even through everything where I was so mad at God and felt completely abandoned by him somewhere in the back of my mind I still felt a faint hint of His love for me, even if it was subconsciously.  It had to be there, otherwise, I wouldn't have felt the need to journal that day or even feel hurt and betrayed by all of it. 


Another thing I've noticed is when I sit back and reflect on all the blessings in my life I love how easily I can see God there working so obviously in my life.  It's so bizarre to me, God's timing in things, until of course He blows me away with another way to bless me.  I am so thankful for that.  


We truly do have an amazing God.  Take a second of your day and think of a few blessings in your life, and I guarantee you will always be able to trace it back to God. Happy Thanksgiving!! 

It's November. Thanksgiving. (Part Three)

So, you all knew it was coming....BREAKING DAWN.  One word, perfection.  This past week I spent camped outside freezing my butt off for the midnight premier of Breaking Dawn, the first part of the final installment of one of the best love stories ever.  With it being such a huge box office hit, naturally the whole crew was back together again camping out.  It was so great to see everyone again.  So, my third thanksgiving offering is going to midnight premiers and the friends they bring!


We had the best time hanging out, whether we were outside or sitting inside in the lobby.  I look forward to these premiers every four or so months so much.  Some of my favorite memories are from camp outs.  And, I am so incredibly thankful for the family that we have created at these.  I have realized in the past six to eight months just how genuine people can be and I really needed a refresher on that.  For so long I had been losing my faith in just people in general, but these people who I call my movie family restored my faith in so many ways.  I am so incredibly blessed to be apart of something so amazing.  God is so amazing, and works in the most bizarre ways.  But then again, I am a rather bizarre person.  So I suppose that I am blessed and thankful for that as well. 


Just remember to keep your eyes open. You never know when a new blessing is being poured down on you! Loves!

It's November. Thanksgiving. (Part Two)

So, today will be my last post until next week.  I will be temporarily unavailable due to the release of the greatly anticipated release of the Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn Part One.  Anyway, I thought it would be fitting to do a few more "Thanksgiving" blogs before the actual holiday.  So I dedicate this Thanksgiving blog to unexpected and frequently overlooked blessings.


When I graduated high school I was surprisingly not excited about moving on to college.  Most of my friends went away to college and where I was headed off to I had no friends.  That was extremely intimidating for me since I grew up going to the same school with the same kids from birth.  I was practically born into my friendships.  I was terrified to meet new people in a new place.  There was no security blanket there.  At Drury they have this mandatory "Alpha" class for freshman.  They started having an Alpha class of only commuting students my freshman year and I got thrown into that class.  It was supposed to help us all bond better or something because we all have that in common.  Whatever.  Anyway, during orientation week you are introduced to your Alpha class and they are your "team" for the week.  Each class has O-Leaders that are older students there to help everything go smoothly and fill the awkward silences I suppose.  My O-Leaders consisted of Jon- the only male and business major, Christina- the annoying bubbly blonde, Lashanda- the blonde criminology major that breathed sarcasm, and Erin- the quietest mousiest of the group.  After the first day when we all got home we  all had about 20 friend requests all desperate for friends and then the O-Leaders of course trying to make us feel more comfortable.  So naturally I spent the first night creeping everyone in my class. 


The next day we all had to meet at Clara Thompson Hall for a lecture.  When we met outside Erin, the quiet one, hunted me down.  Apparently we had a friend in common who I had only met a few times and that one of my old friends attempted to set me up with and she was really good friends with from school.  So, having this in common she made me sit by her at everything else.  We quickly became friends since we both had the same sense of humor about everything and discovered that she didn't live far from me so we started riding into orientation together.  It was the most subtle friendship I think I have ever had.  It was just kind of like one day we didn't know each other and the next we were friends.  And now, she teaches next door to my mom and is the best friend I have.  I have so much respect for her and am so incredibly thankful and blessed to have her in my life at all let alone in such a huge role.  In twenty-two years I have never had a friend like her.  We definitely have had our dry spells where we never talk or barely talk, but somehow she always ends up being there exactly when I need her to be.  I am so blessed to call her my friend.  I have talked about her before in passing in one of my blogs, probably overlooked, but not today.  


Pay close attention to even the most subtle of things in your life.  They may surprise you just how much they mean to you. 

It's November. Thanksgiving.

This past week I've been spending a lot of time at home with my family back in my hometown.  I say that like I live so far away. For those of you who don't know, my parents live twenty minutes away if I get mixed in bad traffic.  Anyway, while I've been home I've realized a few major things.  I've come to appreciate the time I spent there more and more. 

When I was in kindergarten I used to go watch the Lady Tigers play basketball every game I could.  I was obsessed and a HUGE fan.  I wanted to be just like several of the players.  They were infamous in my eyes at the time.  One of the players, at the time, worked in the meat section at IGA and every time I saw her I was star struck.  I'd hide behind things and watch her every move and study it to be just like her.  Some of them I remember worked at the pool and they were lifeguards that I befriended in my pool rat days.  One of the girls who played actually became the assistant volleyball coach for my junior high team my seventh grade year.  I was both excited and scared.  I had dealt with her a little in basketball camps so I knew she was tough but at the same time I respected her for that because she actually made me work hard at everything.  Go hard or go home.  Later she became my basketball coach freshman and sophomore year and track coach for all four years.  Same thing, I absolutely loathed how hard she pushed me, but at the same time there was respect.  I remember when I decided not to play basketball my junior year I think I was more terrified to tell her than even my parents.  I was worried about what she'd think.  Needless to say she was upset, but she got over it around track season.  Quitting basketball was the biggest decision I had made pretty much my entire life up till then.  So it was huge, and it definitely helped build my character and who I am today.  However my junior and senior year of track are definitely the two events from high school that I would say changed me the most.  

The end of my sophomore year of track I ended up tearing my meniscus in my knee and had to have surgery and sit out the state competition.  I was so mad, but even more determined to make things work my junior year.  However the first day of track that year some scar tissue build up I had after the surgery broke off and was caught in my knee so I had to have yet another surgery to clean that up and was forced to sit out the season.  The hardest thing to do as an athlete is to be injured and forced to sit back and watch from the sidelines.  At first, I didn't want to be around track at all because it was too depressing, but after awhile, it was too hard to stay away from so I became the "manager."  Basically I helped her time girls and helped the jumpers as best as I could.  Then, my senior year I told myself that I wasn't going to try anything because I didn't want to screw up my knee for life so I settled for being the manager again and helping out where I was needed.  About two weeks in though I could not handle seeing some of the jumpers.  It was embarrassing.  So I tried it.  In my jeans with no shoes.  It felt great to jump.  So, I asked my coach if she'd let me jump and she was extremely hesitant and told me that I'd have to talk to my parents about it.  Those dreadful words.  After much discussion I was allowed to jump, but jump only.  I had my own relaxed training under the approval of the trainer at the school.  I ended up making it to state that year even after hyperextending my other knee before sectionals.  That accomplishment is one of the things I am most proud of in my life.  I did something nobody thought I could and I went to state for it. 

Tuesday I was at my parents house for a Twilight viewing party and my mom's bestie is sisters with my coach.  She stopped by my house and I got to talk to her for awhile about life and everything.  I could tell she genuinely cared and was curious.  I realized in that moment how ridiculous I was hating every time she pushed me just a little harder on EVERYTHING.  I can see now how important that was and still is to me today.  I am so grateful for all of those practices that I thought I was going to die.  I couldn't even come close to seeing it then, but those practices definitely helped make me who I am today.  

I think it's funny that no matter how many times you're told when you're young that you'll appreciate those things when you're older, you never listen.  But they are always right.  

Blessed.

Yesterday afternoon I had a haircut appointment with my aunt, long overdue mind you.  Anyway, I hadn't seen her since the beginning of the summer so, I was excited to see her and tell her everything new that's been going on in my life.  My haircut was over around three and I left there around 4:15.  Needless to say it was a very refreshing and needed talk on both ends. 


I am so in love with how quickly and how much God is revealing Himself to me.  It's blowing me away how a couple of weeks ago I was so completely lost and in the dark and now I feel like I've finally found my way back and I'm sprinting back into the light and not looking back.  I love it.  I feel like a completely different person, or rather I feel more like who I really am.  It's so amazing. I received a comment on my last post and it was from April and Jackie's sister, whom I've never even met, saying that she was continuing to pray for me.  So freaking amazing. I don't even know what to say except that I am so incredibly blessed beyond belief.  This is beyond anything I was expecting.  He has definitely answered my prayers.  A year and a half waiting and He blew me away.  


If you are going through anything at all and are waiting on God, just remember that time does not exist with Him.  Remember that He has said He'll take care of you and He will not abandon you no matter what the situation, even if you are running away from Him. He's still right there next you making sure you always have an escape route.  I was reading lyrics to a new Snow Patrol song yesterday and there was a part that just really hit home and it said, "Just take the hand that's offered and hold on tight.  This isn't everything you are.  There's joy not far from here, I know I'm right."  It's so true.  If you will just take the hand that's offered, there is an unspeakable joy not far to follow. Trust me!




And just a little side note....one of my friends and I bought some retractable vampire fangs last night. So much joy came from that, too. Loves it!


Where I Belong - Cory Asbury


Your presence is all I'm longing for here in the secret place
Your nearness is all I'm waiting for here in the quiet place
Here in the secret place

My soul waits for you alone
Just like the watchmen wait for dawn
Here I've finally found the place
Where we'll meet, Lord, face to face

I've finally found where I belong
I've finally found where I belong, in your presence
I've finally found where I belong, Lord
To be with you, to be with you

I am my Beloved's and He is mine
So come into your garden and take delight in me
Take delight in me

Delight in me, delight in me
Delight in me, delight in me

Here in Your presence, God, I find my rest
Here in Your presence, God

God Loves Harry Potter Too!

So obviously lately some really awesome things have been going on in my life, and just to add to it I have another story.  


This past July most of you know that the final Harry Potter installment was released.  Some of my friends and I went to wait in line for the midnight showing Thursday night around noon on Tuesday.  Most of the day we just got made fun of, which we are used to.  It comes with the territory of waiting over sixty hours for a movie release.  Later that evening though, a mom and daughter drove up and asked if we were in line for HP and after we said yes they turned around and parked and came back to wait in line.  After waiting in line for a while introductions were made; April, the mother, and Madison, the daughter.  The next day April's sister Jackie and her son showed up to wait in line with all of us as well.  Over the next couple days we all felt like great friends considering the fact that we had spent the last sixty hours together.  It definitely brings you closer! We are all Facebook friends and have been keeping up with each other, and actually, plan on getting together at Wehrenberg again for the Breaking Dawn movies.


Last week, after I posted my "Ezekiel 37" blog I received a Facebook message from Jackie letting me know that she read my blog and that she will be continuing to pray for me and my relationship, or lack there of, with God.  Which means the world to me, because I didn't think anyone actually would read what I have to say.  These blogs are more therapy for me than anything.  Then, yesterday after I posted my "An Answer." blog, April messaged me on Facebook to let me know that she and Jackie have been continuing to pray for me and that she is so excited things are coming together finally.  I am completely taken aback by this.  I met these two women at a Harry Potter release and hardly know them, but they are taking time out of their lives to pray for me, someone who they've only spent three days with.  God works in the weirdest ways.  


This is also a way God is showing me he didn't abandon me.  He was there this summer.  There was another reason I waited sixty hours for a movie, other than the fact that I was so excited for the conclusion of Harry Potter.  Everyday I am beginning to see that I wasn't abandoned, I was just shoving Him away because I was pissed off at everything that was going on in my life.  He was patiently waiting for me to finish throwing my fit, all the while He was watching over me and loving me in ways I would not have thought possible.  

Ezekiel 37

Ezekiel 37:1-14 

The hand of the Lord was upon me, and he brought me out in the Spirit of the Lord and set me down in the middle of the valley; it was full of bones.  And he led me around among them, and behold, there were very many on the surface of the valley, and behold, they were very dry.  And he said to me, "Son of man, can these bones live?"  And I answered, "O Lord God, you know."  Then he said to me, "Prophesy over these bones and say to them, O dry bones, hear the word of the Lord.  Thus says the Lord God to these bones: Behold, I will cause breath to enter you and you shall live.  And I will lay sinews upon you, and will cause flesh to come upon you, and cover you with skin, and put breath in you, and you shall live, you shall know that I am the Lord."
So I prophesied as I was commanded.  And as I prophesied, there was a sound, and behold, a rattling, and the bones came together, bone to its bone.  And I looked, and behold, there were sinews on them, and flesh had come upon them, and skin had covered them.  But there was no breath in them.  Then he said to me, "Prophesy to the breath; prophesy, son of man, and say to the breath, Thus says the Lord God: Come from the four winds, O breath and breathe on these slain, that they may live."  So I prophesied as he commanded me, and the breath came into them, and they lived and stood on their feet, an exceedingly great army.
Then he said to me, "Son of man, these bones are the whole house of Israel.  Behold, they say, 'Our bones are dried up, and our hope is lost; we are indeed cut off.'  Therefore prophesy, and say to them, Thus says the Lord God: Behold, I will open your graves and raise you from your graves, O my people. And I will bring you into the land of Israel.  And you shall know that I am the Lord, when I open your graves, O my people.  And I will put my Spirit within you, and you shall live, and I will place you in your own land.  Then you shall know that I am the Lord; I have spoken, and I will do it, declares the Lord."

It's no secret that I have been battling with something over the past year or so.  I have felt for the longest time now abandonment from God and a continuous flow of people leaving my life one right after the next.  Yesterday, I was in my room and I found all of my letters, cards, pictures etc. that I used to keep in my Bible.  I stopped cleaning for a while and went through all  of it reading everything.  Looking at those pictures I didn't even recognize who I was in them.  All I could think was how ignorant and naive that girl was in the pictures.  Reading the letters from old friends though made me realize how far I had come from where I was four years ago when I first came to college and had no one but family then, until I met the most consistent friend I've had my entire life.  I honestly believe the only reason I was supposed to go to Drury that year was so that I would meet her.  She has had a huge influence in my life.  I am so very blessed to have even a fraction of her in my life still today, four years later. 

Anyway, I'm getting off topic.  After I read all of those things, I grabbed my journal and my Bible, a couple of things I haven't touched since I moved into my house.  I went and poured myself out to someone I haven't talked to in a while.  It wasn't a pleasant conversation, but there was a conversation.  After I complained and yelled at Him for five pages worth I closed my eyes for the first time in a long time and my prayer was the lyrics to Warning Sign by Coldplay.

A warning sign
I missed the good part, then I realized
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in
I've got to tell You what a state I'm in
I've got to tell You in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is, I miss You
Yeah the truth is, that I miss You so
A warning sign
It came back to haunt me, and I realized
That You were an island and I passed You by
And You were an island to discover
Come on in
I've got to tell You what a state I'm in
I've got to tell You in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is, I miss You
Yeah the truth is, that I miss You so
And I'm tired, I should not have let You go
So I crawl back into Your open arms
Yes I crawl back into Your open arms
And I crawl back into Your open arms
Yes I crawl back into Your open arms. 

Afterwards I just stayed there with my eyes closed and for the first time in forever I opened up my ears and listened, with my heart open.  And for some reason Ezekiel 37 popped into my head.  I've only read this one other time and I remember liking it because it is what the song Skeleton Bones is talking about.  But it is exactly what I needed to remember.  I looked it up and wrote it down to make it stick.  "My bones are dried up, and my hope is lost; I am indeed cut off." And He said to me, "I will open your grave and I will raise you from your grave.   I will bring you into the land of Israel.  And you shall know that I am the Lord...And I will put my Spirit within you, an you shall live...I have spoken and I will do it."

Running In Circles, Chasing Tails

Lately there have been many things on my mind, many life questions.  I feel exhausted from how much I've been thinking lately.  I know I'm a little behind on the curve, but I'm finally thinking seriously about my life in the aspect of what I want out of it.  The past few years I've kind of fallen off course a little, but over the last few months I've had some serious down time to think about this.  


After my last failed relationship it's no secret I became stuck.  I've been so focused on how to get back to how my life was before instead of how to adjust my life to the way things are now.  I've been watching the Lord of the Rings over the past week at work and today I finished the Return of the King.  I heard a quote from Frodo I had never caught before.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life?  How do you go on when in you're heart you begin to understand, there is no going back.  There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold."

 I realize now that things in my life will never go back to the way they were.  Too much has happened, and that's ok.  Sometimes that's just how it has to be.  That's one of the things I love and hate about life is it's unpredictability.  You can never bet on life, because it will always throw you a curve ball somehow, somewhere and in someway it will catch you by surprise.  It's how you handle the curve ball that defines your life.  For instance, when you realize your life has turned out nothing like you planned when you were sixteen and thought you knew everything.  When the people you thought would be in your life for what seems like forever leave without any warning, and when eternal promises are broken and shatter you to your core.  It's how we face those times that will define your life.  If you keep trying to get back to where you were you just keep running circles.  I've been around that circle so many times I can't even figure out where it started, but I can feel the dizziness now.  I realize that I've been going absolutely nowhere for the past few years.  Better late than never, I suppose.  


It's time for me to learn to let go of the idea that I will one day get back to where I was before, because I don't even know now where that was.  I don't think I'd recognize it if it hit me in the face.  I need to adjust to what I've been handed and what I've had taken away, because for some reason it has to be this way.  Whether I think it's fair or not is irrelevant.  It's happening now no matter what I do.  It reminds me of this song I used to listen to on repeat when I was in high school, World Spins Madly On by the Weepies.  

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
and the world spins madly on 

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
the whole world is moving and I'm standing still  

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on 

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

I'm dizzy and tired of it.  I'm ready to figure out my next step forward. My next step in this new life.

 

Double Pet Peeve

One of my biggest pet peeves in life is when people completely change who they are to impress someone. It is one thing to allow someone to make you a better person, but to change yourself entirely so you can continue being with someone is out of control. It's not fair to yourself nor is it fair to the other person. It's exhausting living a life pretending to be someone you aren't. Eventually you will get tired of it and won't be able to keep on the mask, and then the other person is going to be completely taken aback when you do a complete 180 from who you were the day before. You are misleading them entirely. I don't understand why people can't just be themselves. It's like junior high and high school all over again. Pretending to be someone to fit in with a certain crowd. We are in our mid twenties. It's time to grow up.


Another pet peeve of mine is people who complain about things that are in their control. For example, people who complain all the time about being tired but they don't come home until two or three in the morning knowing they have to be up and around by seven. If you're tired there is an easy solution, go to bed earlier. Get the rest you know you need. Another example would be people who complain about how they are stressed out because they "can't" balance their time between friends. Actually, there is a real simple solution, especially once you realize that there is a problem. Make time for everyone. Yes that probably means time will have to be sacrificed from your other group of friends, but if you don't want to do that quit complaining about being stressed over it because you are doing it to yourself. No one else has control over that. It's like I said before, we are in our mid twenties. It's time to take some responsibility and quit acting like we have zero control over anything.

The Crescent Hotel

Remember when I told you that I veer off course a lot?  Well, this is one of those posts that has absolutely nothing to do with any of my other posts.  If you don't want to hear a ghost story then stop reading this now.  


I have always been one to believe in the paranormal ever since my father told me he saw a ghostly figure in a field at Big Cedar Lodge.  I was in early elementary school so this has been pretty much my whole life.  Until this past weekend nothing solid had ever happened directly to me.  I had only heard other peoples' experiences and taken them with a grain of salt.  I am also an avid watcher of the television series Ghost Hunters, again taking things with a grain of salt.  However, this past weekend I got my experience or experiences I guess I should say.  


I went to the infamous Crescent Hotel in Eureka Springs, AR with my roommate's sister and father.  We stayed in room 419, more commonly known as Ms. Theadora's room.  Theadora was a nurse and possible love interest to the phony Dr. Baker who claimed he could cure cancer.  In 1937 Dr. Baker purchased the Crescent Hotel and ran it as a hospital.  People were flocking here once they had heard of his "six-week cure for cancer."  He pulled this scam for about three years before getting caught on mail fraud for signing his name Dr. Baker when in fact he had no medical license.  He later died from liver cancer, ironically enough.  Karma is a bitch.  In his time at the crescent Dr. Baker stayed in what is now the north penthouse located directly above, you got it, 419.  There is a secret passage from Theadora's room to the penthouse that has now been sealed off.  You can see this door behind the chaise lounge in the photos.  


Upon our arrival the concierge told us good luck when he found out what room we were staying in.  It is rumored that when Theadora is ready for you to leave she will pack up your things and set them up against your door so that when you come back something is blocking it making it hard to enter the room.  Needless to say we were so excited to stay here.  We were almost guaranteed an experience in this room.  So, we go upstairs and unload our stuff and left to go back downstairs and park the car.  While we were outside I took a picture of the front of the hotel.  I didn't see it until I was reviewing everything yesterday, but in one of the front windows there is a black apparition of a man standing with, what looks like, his hands bent behind his back.  When you zoom in his head isn't completely solid either.  


So, not noticing anything weird, we went back upstairs to set up our cameras and everything for the evening.  When we were in there I got online to write on a friend's wall and tell them that I was staying at the Crescent in Theadora's room.  He's into the whole paranormal thing as well.  When I was typing it out I asked Whitney if Theadora was spelled "T-h-e-A" or "T-h-e-O," and she responded, "I spelled it 'T-h-e-A." And then, she freaked out a little and said she felt a cool breeze go up her back under her shirt.  I completely blew her off.  I thought she was just trying to freak me out.  However, we did decide to try and do an EVP (Electronic Voice Phenomenon) session just in case.  For those of you who don't know an EVP is when you pick up the voice or noise of something of someone or something that isn't there and you didn't hear at the time but when you playback your recording it shows up on there.  So, we told Theadora how to talk into my phone and proceeded to ask her how to spell her name.  When we played it back we didn't get an answer.  So, when we went to bed I decided to turn on my voice recorder on my phone over night expecting to maybe pick up some footsteps or something.  The next morning when I woke up I immediately went to review it.  Needless to say I was surprised at what I picked up in the first six seconds of the recording.  I played it back three or four times thinking I was crazy, but clear as day you can hear a woman whispering "Eden, A." It's so loud its as though she were leaning over into my phone on the nightstand an couple inches away from my phone.  Which also would mean she was about a foot away from my head.  You can hear Whitney, Roger and I talking in the background so you know it's none of us.  It was wild and I definitely have racked my brain trying to figure it out, but Theadora is the only thing I can come up with.  We were all so excited because we hadn't even been there two hours before we caught some type of evidence.  So, we were pumped to see what the rest of the weekend had in store for us.


Saturday evening we ate dinner at the Sky Bar located down the hall from our room.  Roger's friend, Sonya came and visited us while we were there.  After dinner we brought her and her friend to our room to play them the EVP we caught and to get there take on it.  They were amazed.  We stood around and conversed for about 15-20 minutes before I noticed Sonya's facial expression change and she got super quiet.  It wasn't even two minutes after I noticed this that she said she wanted to leave the room because she didn't feel good there.  She said she needed to leave and was fumbling around on the doorknob trying to get out quickly.  So we decided to go down to the front desk and purchase and EMF reader.  I asked the bellman what was one of the craziest things that has happened to him while working here.  He proceeded to tell me a story about the north penthouse, again directly above our room.  He said that there has been a black mist that many customers have reported seeing accompanied by the inability to breathe. He, himself, had experienced this mist as well.  Successfully creeped out we went back up to our room to investigate and by the time we got back up in there we no longer had an erie feeling in the room and our EMF's weren't detecting anything.  While we were standing at the foot of the bed, Whitney and I were talking about the black mist.  Out loud mind you, I said, "You know, I associate black with being evil.  And if that's in Dr. Baker's room that would make sense since he was a horrible man."  Right after I said that I realized if by some chance Theadora was in our room listening at this time she wouldn't appreciate me talking about her man that way.  I immediately felt uneasy and apologized out loud because of how uneasy I felt.  I went to the bathroom after that then walked out and sat down on the carpeted floor in the living room.  I was sitting indian style and when I ran my hand across the back of my leg I felt a sting.  I looked and there about halfway down my calf was a thin scratch, still fresh because the blood was wet.  We retraced my steps in the room and there wasn't a thing I could have scratched my leg on.  You can see that in the pictures as well.  So, then I got scared.  I was having a hard time breathing.  It felt like someone was sitting on my chest.  We had to leave soon after that to go on the ghost tour, and the further we got from our room the better I was feeling and the easier it was for me to breathe.  After the tour and some more investigating throughout the hotel we had to go back to our room to go to bed.  I started having trouble breathing again and the uneasy feeling came back. Not in a slow creep, but as soon as we opened the door, WHAM!  It hit me.  Now, I am not one to toot my own horn but it takes quite a bit to scare me to the point of desperation, but that night I was horrified.  I just knew something awful was going to happen.  Roger, Whit and I all crowded the main bed the second night, because none of us felt too comfortable.   I was texting one of my friends that night before going to sleep about how horrible I felt and scared I was.  Then, out of nowhere, my phone just shut off as if the battery died.  I had charged it earlier that afternoon and it still had a full battery when I went to bed.  So I plugged my phone into the wall and it took it about an hourish to finally turn back on.  So, I finally was able to fall asleep only to wake up a couple hours later, somewhere in the four o'clock hour, to a shoulder pain.  The muscle that connects your neck to your shoulder was just super sore. I thought maybe I had just been laying weird so I was going to turn over and right as I started to turn over I almost started crying because of how scared I was.  I felt something in our room behind me.  I refused to roll over for fear of what I'd see or what would happen.  I almost woke up Roger and Whitney to see if we could get out of the room, but instead I commanded and begged myself to just go back to sleep.  I finally did.  The next morning around 8:30ish I got up to go to the bathroom and while I was washing my hands I say something red peeking out from under my shirt on my collar bone.  I pulled my shirt back and thought I was crazy.  I had Whitney look at it to make sure but there was a handprint as if someone had grabbed me in the night.  So, basically I was horrified.  I was ready to get out of that room.  I had royally pissed off Theadora.  Some of our photos from that night around the 4 o'clock hour have a black shadowy mist over my head and then moving across Whitney's in a series of three photos.  Then it disappears.  It's really odd that it corresponds with the time in which I was so terrified, huh? 


I will post a link to the pictures as soon as I get them posted to Facebook and Google+. Crescent Hotel Pics 

There Was Little We Could Do And Even Less We Could Say

So, I have a confession to make.  I am a major control freak, but only when it comes to losing something.  Particularly, when that something is someone important in my life.  I have never thought of myself as a control freak really until recently.  I was listening to Death Cab the other day and while I was listening to their song, The Ice Is Getting Thinner, I realized just how much I don't like being out of control.  I absolutely hate the idea of not being able to control a situation.  I know it's an extremely unattractive quality.  It's ridiculous what I will do to try to hold on to someone I don't want to let go of, but then again that's what love does, right?  Makes you lose your mind a little, sometimes more than we'd like to admit?  

A little over two years ago if you would have asked me if I had ever been in love, honest true love, I would have told you without any hesitation that I had, once.  Looking back now, compared to what I've felt in the past two years, it was just infatuation.  There is such thing as "puppy love" I suppose.  I thought I knew so much when I was younger, and the older I get the more I see how much I don't know.  I see how completely clueless I am when it comes to not only love but everything in life.  Knowing what I know now, I have been in honest true love just once.  I know, because it changed me, good and bad, but change nevertheless.  It changed me completely to the core.  I used to tell myself I'd never let anyone change me, that I'd stay true to myself no matter what.  Life is way more complicated than I could have ever anticipated.  Seeing things from where I'm at now, I wouldn't have wanted to stay myself.  Yes, there were things I would have handled differently, but I'm glad I changed.  Real love does that to you, whether you like it or not.  There's really nothing you can do to stop it.  It may happen immediately and it be so huge that you know in an instant, or it may happen so slowly and gradually that you don't even realize it until you have changed.  Either way, it happens.  You can fight it or deny it all you want, but eventually you have to face it and accept it or it will rule you.  

Until now, I have let it rule me.  For several months I kept fighting it and denying it, and all that did was make it catch up to me quicker.  And for the past year I've, fought even harder and lied to myself even more convincingly, because if I changed then there isn't anything I could do to fix everything.  If I changed there is no going back and I am forced to let go.  I wasn't ready for that.  I wasn't ready to let go and move on.  I'm still not ready, but I don't think I ever will be one hundred percent ready.  I won't ever be able to let go completely, but I can force myself to see the truth.  I have to accept it in order to move on otherwise I'll be stuck here lying to myself forever, instead of accepting the truth and being open to the possibility of finding that love again.  I can choose to see the good out of everything that happened and have the "glass is half full" view on the whole situation, or I can choose to argue with myself and fight for control over something that not only will I never have control over, but I've already lost.  

I am terrified of the unknown, obviously since I have a minor control issue over my life.  I know that I won't know what's going to happen if I ever open myself up again to someone and I'm scared shitless of that.  However, if I stay where I am now and keep running these circles alone I do know what happens.  I get hurt.  Every time.  And I'm tired of hurting.  I'm standing at the same fork in the road that I've been at everyday for the past year, and I'm finally ready to honestly say I want to go left instead of right this time.  I'm ready to accept that I've changed, that I'm not the same person I was before, and I'm incredibly thankful for that.    

If It Can Be Broke, Then It Can Be Fixed

I moved out of my parents' home two and a half years ago, and I didn't think I'd want to move back home ever.  I always told myself, when I was growing up, that when I moved out I'd be moving out for good.  I didn't want to be that child that went back and forth living with my parents.  Plus, I'm a fairly stubborn person, and by that of course I mean I'm an extremely stubborn person, and when I originally moved out a lot of my family, extended and immediate, told me they didn't think I could actually do it.  They all had their suspicions about me being able to handle doing my own laundry, managing my money, cooking for myself (which I have somewhat mastered), etc.  So, naturally being who I am I moved out for good and even though my parents live twenty minutes away I rarely would go down to see them.  I would do my laundry there, which I am both ashamed and proud to say I can go anywhere from two to three months without HAVING to do laundry.  And then, of course, I would be there for holidays.  I wasn't taking advantage of the fact that my parents lived so close.  After everything that's happened in those past two and a half years, I really regret the time I've missed out on with them.  I know it sounds cliché, but after everything they both are two of three people that no matter how long it's been since I've spent time with them or ignored them or been angry at them, they are right behind me waiting for me when I need them.  

I've always loved my parents and respected them and thought that I had appreciated them, but until just a few days ago when I was thinking about everything, I didn't realize just how much they mean to me.  I don't think I had had a big enough dose of life to fully appreciate them and fully understand just how much they care about me.  I know that I've said before how I've really been aware of my age and the fact that life, no matter how badly you want it to, will not slow down let alone stop.  And after all of my experience thus far in life, I really understand the importance of not only having people in your life, but who exactly those people are.  So, needless to say I've been tossing around the idea of moving back home after my lease is up next summer.  The more I think about it the better and better it sounds like a brilliant idea.  And to my amazing parental unit, I love you guys more than I can express.  Thank you.  For everything.

Change is Inevitable. Except From a Vending Machine.

One of the hardest things about change is being outside of your comfort zone.  I myself am a major creature of habit with everything in my life, even with things as small as what I eat and drink.  I am a fairly predictable person.  Except for when my life has to undergo a major reconstruction.  It's usually predictable that I will freak out and have a meltdown, but how this said meltdown will show it's ugly face is exceptionally unpredictable.  Sometimes I get extremely angry, other times I go all Boo Radley on the world and become a shut in.  Sometimes I cry for days, other times I become bulletproof.  Some like to call me a bitch when I get that way, but I choose to see it as a defense mechanism.  My point is I lose my mind a little during this process.  I don't handle change very well in my life. 

But then again, who honestly does? How can you handle it well, really?  Everything in your life as you know it changing.  Take for example right now in my life, in the past two years I fell in love and got my heart severely broken, had a close friend ignore me for a month and then go back and forth with being friends at all, had my best friend move back home 3.5 hours away right in the middle of some serious change in my life, had some other "friends" make comments both behind my back and to my face basically calling me an alcoholic slut, had a new close guy friend try to break the friendship barrier and now everything is awkward/ruined, reunited with some old friends from high school, had an extremely close friend leave to go to Greece for 3 months, had my relationship with God tested to its breaking point, blah blah blah.  How am I supposed to deal with this calmly and rationally?  Especially when one or two weeks a month my body turns me into a mood swinging beast.  

Even though some of these changes probably are for the greater good, until I get used to life again it sucks and I'm freaking out in a new way every day, multiple times a day.  It's even harder going through some thing like all of this when the people you can talk to are limited.  I guess all I'm saying is something we all have known. I just hate rediscovering it in a new way.  Life sucks. And there isn't anything we can do about it. 

Starbucks Drinks & Long Drives, Fall Nights & Front Porches

Well, October is upon us.  Which means its officially fall.  I know that September 21, is technically the first day of fall, but in my mind it's October 1.  I don't think of changed leaves and cooler weather when I think about September.  Those things come with the ideas of Halloween, that's when it's really fall.  

One of my favorite things to do when it first starts feeling like fall is to get in my car, go through a Starbucks and grab a drink (i.e. Salted Caramel Mocha/Hot Chocolate, Caramel Apple Spice, Pumpkin Spice Latte), and then just drive.  I love driving in the middle of nowhere at night.  Driving is like free therapy for me.  With the right playlist I do some of my best thinking, talking and listening there.  I've been using it for about six and a half years now.  I met some of my best friends through those drives too. Por ejemplo, Taylor, Coldplay, Angel and Airwaves, Death Cab, etc.  My whole world can be chaos, but when I get in my car to go on a drive I leave everything behind.  My world gets quiet and calm.  I love it.  The only unfortunate thing about going on drives like these is sometimes you go so far you end up wasting a shit ton of gas.  Now-a-days that does not make it free therapy.  Instead that makes it almost as expensive as going to see a professional! 

As a result of the rise in gas prices and my lack of funding for said gas I have had to come up with another solution.  Front Porching.  Yes, I just made front porch into a verb.  It's the act of sitting on your front porch, if you hadn't caught on yet.  Here lately with the weather being as perfect as it has been I've turned into Stoop Kid from Hey Arnold!, I hope at least one person remembers that episode.  "Hot off the press! Stoop Kid leaves the stoop!!"  Such a fantastic show.  

As a result of this act I have discovered many things about our beloved Loren street and surrounding neighborhood.  The number one thing I've discovered, just how much I like our neighbors.  I came home from work one day and changed into my sweats and came out to front porch, and our neighbors decided to play with their frisbee.  After about an hour/hour and a half of playing they accidentally threw it on to my roof.  Which, if you don't know, our neighbors are hot, and my roommate and I have been searching for an excuse to talk to them since they moved in.  So, you can imagine when I saw the frisbee land on our roof my immediate thought was, "Jackpot!"  They came to look at it, and they asked if it happened to blow off to let them know.  Status update...the frisbee is still on our roof and the only talking I've done to our neighbors is the occasional wave, hello, or weather chat.  Fail.  

The second best thing that has happened from front porching is the development of my friendship with the dog across the street.  He barks and I bark back.  It's the best.  Except for the day that the owners came out and caught me barking at their dog.  That was a little awkward and there for sure was no excuse.  They liked it though.  They told me he gets lonely sometimes so it's nice of me to talk to him on occasion.  Status update...our friendship is flourishing.  I had a good bark with him today even!

Basically what I'm saying is I love Starbucks drinks, long drives, fall nights and front porches, at least in my neighborhood!

 

The Adventure - Angels and Airwaves

The Adventure

I wanna have the same last dream again

The one where I wake up and I’m alive

Just as the four walls close me within

my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight

I’m the first to know 

my dearest friends

even if your hope has burned with time

anything that’s dead shall be regrown

and your vicious pain, your warning sign

you will be fine.

Hey oh here I am

and here we go life’s waiting to begin

any type of love- it will be shown

like every single tree reach for the sky

if you’re gonna fall

i’ll let you know

that i will pick you up

like you for i

i felt this thing

i can’t replace

where everyone was working for this goal

where all the children left without a trace

only to come back as pure as gold

to recite this all

hey oh here i am 

and here we go life’s waiting to begin

tonight

hey oh here i am 

and here we go life’s waiting to begin

tonight

hey oh here i am 

and here we go life’s waiting to begin

i cannot live i can’t breathe

unless you do this with me

i cannot live i can’t breathe

unless you do this with me

i cannot live i can’t breathe

unless you do this with me

i cannot live i can’t breathe

unless you do this with me

i cannot live i can’t breathe

unless you do this with me

i cannot live i can’t breathe

unless you do this with me

Hey oh here i am (do this with me)

and here we go life’s waiting to begin (do this with me)

Hey oh here i am (do this with me)

and here we go life’s waiting to begin life’s waiting to begin life’s waiting to begin.

This past year has been the year from hell. One thing right after another. Crap literally just kept getting piled on to my life and I couldn’t keep up. At first I kept praying and seeking for God’s help in figuring that stuff out, and when I was getting nothing I quickly just turned to Him for comfort. Nothing. So then it became me asking God to do anything at all so that I could feel any part of Him. I felt nothing for so long I started getting angry, confused, depressed, blah blah blah... Then I came to this very dangerous place where I just finally gave up. Apathy was the only relief I felt from anything. The less I cared about the less I had to be sad, depressed, angry, confused about. I was in that state for what seemed like forever. Occasionally there would be these stars, tiny lights of reason, but they burned out quickly.  I had zero hope. For anything.

Here lately I have been feeling a stirring in my life, God pursuing me. I have been somewhat trying to fight it though because I have been scared.  I felt totally and utterly abandoned by Him for over a year now.  I’ve been afraid to let myself be that vulnerable again.  August 10th, Angels and Airwaves did a live broadcast of their new movie LOVE all across America. Thank God it made it to Springfield.  The movie was very much so an independent film. One of those that you’re kind of just like meh the whole movie. However, the end of this movie tied everything together in a nice and neat little package, what seemed like, just for me. The importance of letting yourself be vulnerable and be loved and love in return is grave. Our sanity even depends on it.  You can only go so long floating in life completely alone before it literally drives you mad. We are social beings. We were created for this very reason. 

This song really kind of defines all of this for me. One line in particular.  “Even if your hope has burned with time, anything that’s dead shall be regrown.”  These past 13 or 14 months of my life are living proof of this quote.  I had started to seclude myself to a select few people and they were all I talked to or hung out with, but now that group of people has at least doubled and being around people, around all of those different dynamics, its like your first breath out of the water when you’ve been holding it for so long. It’s like fresh life. I was definitely dying, slowly but dying nonetheless. But now things are coming back to me. Life, is coming back to me. 

Why Can't We Be Friends

I used to always be a firm believer in the idea that guys and girls can be legit friends.  After recent events I'm wondering what it is that makes it impossible for a girl to able to be close friends with a guy.  Especially when both parties have stated to the other one that they aren't interested.  


For example, recently I had this friend and we met like three-ish months ago and clicked pretty well.  We had a lot of the same interests, similar humor, and we always had a lot of fun hanging out whether we were out and about or just sitting around a house.  I was worried at first, because even though I didn't like him all of our friends kept making little stupid comments about how much we talked or hung out.  They would say things like, "**** and Eden get a room already," or "So have you guys made out yet?  Well, when are you?"  It super annoying, but I know that it is all in good fun so I would just try to brush it off.  Eventually that died down and it wasn't ever awkward between the two of us.  I'd say it's pretty fair to say that we became fairly close in that time.  Still, did not like him and he never said anything or really did anything to trigger me until one night, our group of friends all went out for some karaoke and there were a couple of things that weren't super weird; they were just different and I was a little unsure of.  For example, I had on this strapless dress so the top of my back was open and he would just graze my back or linger his hand there a little too long.  Nothing suggestive, just different.  So after much discussion with other friends I was trying to be more clear about how I felt by backing off a little.  Fewer texts throughout the day or none at all.  Only hanging out with other people around.  Blah, blah, blah.  Everything seemed fine until one night, ironically enough after earlier that day having had TWO separate discussions over guys and girls being friends and how this guy and I were ONLY friends, he decided to make his move.  I was completely shocked and thrown for a loop.  I kept thinking about Thomas, which made me feel horrible. I just froze.  I kept trying to think of the least possible awkward way of getting out of the situation and there wasn't one.  I was so incredibly grateful for a phone call I received that night just at the right time to save me.  We've only talked once or twice via text and I haven't seen him since.  


Guys, here's a little hint.  If you like a girl just be honest with them, or at the very least don't try to pull something on them (figuratively and literally) without saying something at first.  Also, if a girl is not doing anything at all and just sitting there frozen, she's either A.) asleep or B.) not into it at all.  


The only good thing that came from all of that was that it made me realize just how much I'm not ready for anything like that at all.  I still have a lot to work out with that part of my life.  The second he started spooning me I realized the last time I was in a position like that was with Thomas and it made me incredibly sad.  It definitely set me back a whole week.  However, after talking with my MIMS and several friends I'm somewhat back on track.  Down a friend, but still moving.  


I suppose nothing about this post is going to change anything.  Girls will continue trying to be friends with guys and failing miserably. I'm not saying it's always the guy that makes things awkward.  I know multiple girls who have done there fair share of messing up friendships with guys. I just don't understand why it has to be this way no matter how clear you are on wanting to be "just friends."