So, I have a confession to make. I am a major control freak, but only when it comes to losing something. Particularly, when that something is someone important in my life. I have never thought of myself as a control freak really until recently. I was listening to Death Cab the other day and while I was listening to their song, The Ice Is Getting Thinner, I realized just how much I don't like being out of control. I absolutely hate the idea of not being able to control a situation. I know it's an extremely unattractive quality. It's ridiculous what I will do to try to hold on to someone I don't want to let go of, but then again that's what love does, right? Makes you lose your mind a little, sometimes more than we'd like to admit?
A little over two years ago if you would have asked me if I had ever been in love, honest true love, I would have told you without any hesitation that I had, once. Looking back now, compared to what I've felt in the past two years, it was just infatuation. There is such thing as "puppy love" I suppose. I thought I knew so much when I was younger, and the older I get the more I see how much I don't know. I see how completely clueless I am when it comes to not only love but everything in life. Knowing what I know now, I have been in honest true love just once. I know, because it changed me, good and bad, but change nevertheless. It changed me completely to the core. I used to tell myself I'd never let anyone change me, that I'd stay true to myself no matter what. Life is way more complicated than I could have ever anticipated. Seeing things from where I'm at now, I wouldn't have wanted to stay myself. Yes, there were things I would have handled differently, but I'm glad I changed. Real love does that to you, whether you like it or not. There's really nothing you can do to stop it. It may happen immediately and it be so huge that you know in an instant, or it may happen so slowly and gradually that you don't even realize it until you have changed. Either way, it happens. You can fight it or deny it all you want, but eventually you have to face it and accept it or it will rule you.
Until now, I have let it rule me. For several months I kept fighting it and denying it, and all that did was make it catch up to me quicker. And for the past year I've, fought even harder and lied to myself even more convincingly, because if I changed then there isn't anything I could do to fix everything. If I changed there is no going back and I am forced to let go. I wasn't ready for that. I wasn't ready to let go and move on. I'm still not ready, but I don't think I ever will be one hundred percent ready. I won't ever be able to let go completely, but I can force myself to see the truth. I have to accept it in order to move on otherwise I'll be stuck here lying to myself forever, instead of accepting the truth and being open to the possibility of finding that love again. I can choose to see the good out of everything that happened and have the "glass is half full" view on the whole situation, or I can choose to argue with myself and fight for control over something that not only will I never have control over, but I've already lost.
I am terrified of the unknown, obviously since I have a minor control issue over my life. I know that I won't know what's going to happen if I ever open myself up again to someone and I'm scared shitless of that. However, if I stay where I am now and keep running these circles alone I do know what happens. I get hurt. Every time. And I'm tired of hurting. I'm standing at the same fork in the road that I've been at everyday for the past year, and I'm finally ready to honestly say I want to go left instead of right this time. I'm ready to accept that I've changed, that I'm not the same person I was before, and I'm incredibly thankful for that.
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