Starbucks Drinks & Long Drives, Fall Nights & Front Porches

Well, October is upon us.  Which means its officially fall.  I know that September 21, is technically the first day of fall, but in my mind it's October 1.  I don't think of changed leaves and cooler weather when I think about September.  Those things come with the ideas of Halloween, that's when it's really fall.  

One of my favorite things to do when it first starts feeling like fall is to get in my car, go through a Starbucks and grab a drink (i.e. Salted Caramel Mocha/Hot Chocolate, Caramel Apple Spice, Pumpkin Spice Latte), and then just drive.  I love driving in the middle of nowhere at night.  Driving is like free therapy for me.  With the right playlist I do some of my best thinking, talking and listening there.  I've been using it for about six and a half years now.  I met some of my best friends through those drives too. Por ejemplo, Taylor, Coldplay, Angel and Airwaves, Death Cab, etc.  My whole world can be chaos, but when I get in my car to go on a drive I leave everything behind.  My world gets quiet and calm.  I love it.  The only unfortunate thing about going on drives like these is sometimes you go so far you end up wasting a shit ton of gas.  Now-a-days that does not make it free therapy.  Instead that makes it almost as expensive as going to see a professional! 

As a result of the rise in gas prices and my lack of funding for said gas I have had to come up with another solution.  Front Porching.  Yes, I just made front porch into a verb.  It's the act of sitting on your front porch, if you hadn't caught on yet.  Here lately with the weather being as perfect as it has been I've turned into Stoop Kid from Hey Arnold!, I hope at least one person remembers that episode.  "Hot off the press! Stoop Kid leaves the stoop!!"  Such a fantastic show.  

As a result of this act I have discovered many things about our beloved Loren street and surrounding neighborhood.  The number one thing I've discovered, just how much I like our neighbors.  I came home from work one day and changed into my sweats and came out to front porch, and our neighbors decided to play with their frisbee.  After about an hour/hour and a half of playing they accidentally threw it on to my roof.  Which, if you don't know, our neighbors are hot, and my roommate and I have been searching for an excuse to talk to them since they moved in.  So, you can imagine when I saw the frisbee land on our roof my immediate thought was, "Jackpot!"  They came to look at it, and they asked if it happened to blow off to let them know.  Status update...the frisbee is still on our roof and the only talking I've done to our neighbors is the occasional wave, hello, or weather chat.  Fail.  

The second best thing that has happened from front porching is the development of my friendship with the dog across the street.  He barks and I bark back.  It's the best.  Except for the day that the owners came out and caught me barking at their dog.  That was a little awkward and there for sure was no excuse.  They liked it though.  They told me he gets lonely sometimes so it's nice of me to talk to him on occasion.  Status update...our friendship is flourishing.  I had a good bark with him today even!

Basically what I'm saying is I love Starbucks drinks, long drives, fall nights and front porches, at least in my neighborhood!

 

The Adventure - Angels and Airwaves

The Adventure

I wanna have the same last dream again

The one where I wake up and I’m alive

Just as the four walls close me within

my eyes are opened up with pure sunlight

I’m the first to know 

my dearest friends

even if your hope has burned with time

anything that’s dead shall be regrown

and your vicious pain, your warning sign

you will be fine.

Hey oh here I am

and here we go life’s waiting to begin

any type of love- it will be shown

like every single tree reach for the sky

if you’re gonna fall

i’ll let you know

that i will pick you up

like you for i

i felt this thing

i can’t replace

where everyone was working for this goal

where all the children left without a trace

only to come back as pure as gold

to recite this all

hey oh here i am 

and here we go life’s waiting to begin

tonight

hey oh here i am 

and here we go life’s waiting to begin

tonight

hey oh here i am 

and here we go life’s waiting to begin

i cannot live i can’t breathe

unless you do this with me

i cannot live i can’t breathe

unless you do this with me

i cannot live i can’t breathe

unless you do this with me

i cannot live i can’t breathe

unless you do this with me

i cannot live i can’t breathe

unless you do this with me

i cannot live i can’t breathe

unless you do this with me

Hey oh here i am (do this with me)

and here we go life’s waiting to begin (do this with me)

Hey oh here i am (do this with me)

and here we go life’s waiting to begin life’s waiting to begin life’s waiting to begin.

This past year has been the year from hell. One thing right after another. Crap literally just kept getting piled on to my life and I couldn’t keep up. At first I kept praying and seeking for God’s help in figuring that stuff out, and when I was getting nothing I quickly just turned to Him for comfort. Nothing. So then it became me asking God to do anything at all so that I could feel any part of Him. I felt nothing for so long I started getting angry, confused, depressed, blah blah blah... Then I came to this very dangerous place where I just finally gave up. Apathy was the only relief I felt from anything. The less I cared about the less I had to be sad, depressed, angry, confused about. I was in that state for what seemed like forever. Occasionally there would be these stars, tiny lights of reason, but they burned out quickly.  I had zero hope. For anything.

Here lately I have been feeling a stirring in my life, God pursuing me. I have been somewhat trying to fight it though because I have been scared.  I felt totally and utterly abandoned by Him for over a year now.  I’ve been afraid to let myself be that vulnerable again.  August 10th, Angels and Airwaves did a live broadcast of their new movie LOVE all across America. Thank God it made it to Springfield.  The movie was very much so an independent film. One of those that you’re kind of just like meh the whole movie. However, the end of this movie tied everything together in a nice and neat little package, what seemed like, just for me. The importance of letting yourself be vulnerable and be loved and love in return is grave. Our sanity even depends on it.  You can only go so long floating in life completely alone before it literally drives you mad. We are social beings. We were created for this very reason. 

This song really kind of defines all of this for me. One line in particular.  “Even if your hope has burned with time, anything that’s dead shall be regrown.”  These past 13 or 14 months of my life are living proof of this quote.  I had started to seclude myself to a select few people and they were all I talked to or hung out with, but now that group of people has at least doubled and being around people, around all of those different dynamics, its like your first breath out of the water when you’ve been holding it for so long. It’s like fresh life. I was definitely dying, slowly but dying nonetheless. But now things are coming back to me. Life, is coming back to me. 

Why Can't We Be Friends

I used to always be a firm believer in the idea that guys and girls can be legit friends.  After recent events I'm wondering what it is that makes it impossible for a girl to able to be close friends with a guy.  Especially when both parties have stated to the other one that they aren't interested.  


For example, recently I had this friend and we met like three-ish months ago and clicked pretty well.  We had a lot of the same interests, similar humor, and we always had a lot of fun hanging out whether we were out and about or just sitting around a house.  I was worried at first, because even though I didn't like him all of our friends kept making little stupid comments about how much we talked or hung out.  They would say things like, "**** and Eden get a room already," or "So have you guys made out yet?  Well, when are you?"  It super annoying, but I know that it is all in good fun so I would just try to brush it off.  Eventually that died down and it wasn't ever awkward between the two of us.  I'd say it's pretty fair to say that we became fairly close in that time.  Still, did not like him and he never said anything or really did anything to trigger me until one night, our group of friends all went out for some karaoke and there were a couple of things that weren't super weird; they were just different and I was a little unsure of.  For example, I had on this strapless dress so the top of my back was open and he would just graze my back or linger his hand there a little too long.  Nothing suggestive, just different.  So after much discussion with other friends I was trying to be more clear about how I felt by backing off a little.  Fewer texts throughout the day or none at all.  Only hanging out with other people around.  Blah, blah, blah.  Everything seemed fine until one night, ironically enough after earlier that day having had TWO separate discussions over guys and girls being friends and how this guy and I were ONLY friends, he decided to make his move.  I was completely shocked and thrown for a loop.  I kept thinking about Thomas, which made me feel horrible. I just froze.  I kept trying to think of the least possible awkward way of getting out of the situation and there wasn't one.  I was so incredibly grateful for a phone call I received that night just at the right time to save me.  We've only talked once or twice via text and I haven't seen him since.  


Guys, here's a little hint.  If you like a girl just be honest with them, or at the very least don't try to pull something on them (figuratively and literally) without saying something at first.  Also, if a girl is not doing anything at all and just sitting there frozen, she's either A.) asleep or B.) not into it at all.  


The only good thing that came from all of that was that it made me realize just how much I'm not ready for anything like that at all.  I still have a lot to work out with that part of my life.  The second he started spooning me I realized the last time I was in a position like that was with Thomas and it made me incredibly sad.  It definitely set me back a whole week.  However, after talking with my MIMS and several friends I'm somewhat back on track.  Down a friend, but still moving.  


I suppose nothing about this post is going to change anything.  Girls will continue trying to be friends with guys and failing miserably. I'm not saying it's always the guy that makes things awkward.  I know multiple girls who have done there fair share of messing up friendships with guys. I just don't understand why it has to be this way no matter how clear you are on wanting to be "just friends."

Somehow We Keep Marching On

Here lately I've been fully aware of my age.  I realize that I'm not super old, but I am understanding how fast time goes by.  A couple months ago I had a meltdown, because I realized I'm only eight years away from being thirty.  I know that seems like a long time from now, but it doesn't seem like that long ago I was a sophomore in high school.  It blows my mind how fast time can go by and yet while you're stuck in the middle of it time moves so agonizingly slow.  By no means am I in a rush to be thirty.  I'd actually love to postpone that for as long as I can and fully enjoy my twenties without having that looming over my head.  In a way I'm thankful for being aware of time so that I can give it the respect it deserves, because for so long I haven't.  I've been so concerned with my future and where I'm going and who I am going to be that I've missed out on some important things in my life and some important people.  

One of my biggest regrets in the past couple of years is not respecting time, taking advantage of it.  I know that when you start a relationship with someone you don't go into ever thinking that it's going to end.  Logically that would be the way to go, but love doesn't understand logic unfortunately.  When you go into a relationship you agree to lose your mind for the sake of your heart.  Growing up you are always told to guard your heart, but I've realized that's impossible if you want love.  There's not a timeline to follow on this, because no matter what the second you let your guard down you've let it down for good and that other person has complete control from that moment on.  If and when that person hurts you, its not going to matter if you let it down the day before or 11 months before.  You trusted them wholly either way.  So, I hate when people tell you to guard your heart.  All it does is make you cautious and take advantage of time.  You think you're going to have time to get to know someone to the point where you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they won't hurt you, but you never will and you'll miss out on so much with them.  Everybody serves a purpose in your life.  Why not give them their full potential?  Don't be cautious and afraid of being hurt.  Everyone gets hurt.  We have to learn how to pick up the pieces and keep moving. 

When I was in high school I had a myspace and I discovered OneRepublic.  Their first album, Dreaming Out Loud, was yet to be completed but they had three or four songs on their site.  I immediately fell in love with them.  On their second album, Waking Up, they have a song that has been a bit of an anthem for me here lately.  It's called Marching On.  For the past year I have been in a really weird place.  My world was completely shaken last year when I was hurt by the person closest to me.  This break-up was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do or go through.  I can confidently say this because I have changed more in the past twenty-four months than I have in the previous twenty years of my life.  I took a little break from life last year and this summer was forced to face reality that no matter how badly I wanted time to either stop completely or reverse it was continuing to tick on and I was standing still.  Everyday is a constant struggle.  I have to consciously remind myself not to think of him, not to listen to certain songs, not to stand still.  There is a line in the song that says, "There ain't no other step than one foot right in front of the other."  For so long I would pray to just go to sleep and wake up when I was over everything and would be fine, but there isn't another way to move on through this except to march on one step at a time.  I used to get so mad at myself too when I would have a bad day and set myself back 500 steps, but again another line from the song, "We'll have the days we break, and we'll have the scars to prove it....We put one foot in front of the other, we move like we ain't got no other. We go when we go, we're marching on."  I just will remind myself that it's going to happen, but you pick it up and go move on again.  There are days when I am completely exhausted from all of this, but I've just got to go when I go.  It's sounds so cheesy and lame and corny, but it works for me.  I'm definitely a work in progress, but what counts is that I'm in progress. Somehow I keep marching on.

Marching On - OneRepublic

Just a Tumbleweed

I suppose being new to this whole blogging thing I should let you know where I am in life so that my other blogs will have some sort of anchor and you'll know a little bit from where I'm coming from. Just know first of all, that I absolutely hate your typical go to questions when you first meet someone, especially when you're in college. You know which ones I'm talking about too. Name, age, where are you from, what's your major. I personally am not in college, but I used to be apart of this campus ministry and we always had this beginning of the year BBQ where you're supposed to introduce yourself to new people and seem interested in them so that they'll keep coming around. For the past three years it has been one of my favorite events, just because I would sit back and watch all of the awkward first meetings and conversations. You see someone approach the awkward loner and you think, O that's nice of them, but the conversation quickly dies down after the rapid fire of those four questions. Its both hilarious and sad to watch. I don't understand why it's so hard for people to think of other questions to ask. It doesn't matter how random they are. For goodness sakes you just met them. What's the worst that could happen, they think you're a freak show? So, what. We all are. Everybody has that one thing. I suppose I personally have more than one and I will be the first to admit it and everyone close to me will be literally on my heels.


With that being said, my name is Eden. I'm twenty-two years old. I'm from Republic, MO and didn't go far from home... yet. I'm not in school, hence the tumbleweed. I used to, like every other teenager/young adult, think that I knew exactly who I was and what I wanted to be. All I know now is that I want to enjoy my life, and school right now doesn't fit in to that equation for me. You can imagine the kind of reaction that got. I tried school, multiple times, however it never seemed to stick. It's weird because everyone always says that college is where you go to discover who you really are and all it did for me was help me to discover who I'm not and what I don't want.


Now that we have all of the surface level stuff out of the way, let's get down to business...to defeat the Huns! Something you all should know before we get too far into this is that I have a severe case of self-diagnosed ADD.  For example, the first line of this paragraph.  I immediately started thinking of Mulan and the song (Someday) I'll Make a Man Out of You.  I'm going to go ahead and apologize for all of my random tendencies, but without them I wouldn't keep you reeled in and this would be ten times as boring as it probably already is.  ANYWAY, right now in life I am discovering what it means to be and everything that comes with that.  I am questioning any and everything.  I have fallen in love twice and out once.  I'm working on what it means to let go of someone who still has a part of you. I'm also learning how to put yourself back together in a way where you can function fully without that missing piece.


This blog is about my journey through all of this. Highs, lows, random side thoughts. The whole thing.