Running In Circles, Chasing Tails

Lately there have been many things on my mind, many life questions.  I feel exhausted from how much I've been thinking lately.  I know I'm a little behind on the curve, but I'm finally thinking seriously about my life in the aspect of what I want out of it.  The past few years I've kind of fallen off course a little, but over the last few months I've had some serious down time to think about this.  


After my last failed relationship it's no secret I became stuck.  I've been so focused on how to get back to how my life was before instead of how to adjust my life to the way things are now.  I've been watching the Lord of the Rings over the past week at work and today I finished the Return of the King.  I heard a quote from Frodo I had never caught before.

"How do you pick up the threads of an old life?  How do you go on when in you're heart you begin to understand, there is no going back.  There are some things that time cannot mend, some hurts that go too deep, that have taken hold."

 I realize now that things in my life will never go back to the way they were.  Too much has happened, and that's ok.  Sometimes that's just how it has to be.  That's one of the things I love and hate about life is it's unpredictability.  You can never bet on life, because it will always throw you a curve ball somehow, somewhere and in someway it will catch you by surprise.  It's how you handle the curve ball that defines your life.  For instance, when you realize your life has turned out nothing like you planned when you were sixteen and thought you knew everything.  When the people you thought would be in your life for what seems like forever leave without any warning, and when eternal promises are broken and shatter you to your core.  It's how we face those times that will define your life.  If you keep trying to get back to where you were you just keep running circles.  I've been around that circle so many times I can't even figure out where it started, but I can feel the dizziness now.  I realize that I've been going absolutely nowhere for the past few years.  Better late than never, I suppose.  


It's time for me to learn to let go of the idea that I will one day get back to where I was before, because I don't even know now where that was.  I don't think I'd recognize it if it hit me in the face.  I need to adjust to what I've been handed and what I've had taken away, because for some reason it has to be this way.  Whether I think it's fair or not is irrelevant.  It's happening now no matter what I do.  It reminds me of this song I used to listen to on repeat when I was in high school, World Spins Madly On by the Weepies.  

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And let the world spin madly on

Everything that I said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you
I just got lost and slept right through the dawn
and the world spins madly on 

I let the day go by
I always say goodbye
I watch the stars from my window sill
the whole world is moving and I'm standing still  

Woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on 

I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on.

I'm dizzy and tired of it.  I'm ready to figure out my next step forward. My next step in this new life.