Everybody Needs A Prayer, and Needs A Friend.

Lately I have been very overwhelmed.  The holidays always bring about wonderful yet at times stressful feelings.  Throw on top of that all of the financial worries that come with making sure you got everyone that perfect gift that shows you care enough to know who they are without them saying.  Last but not least...I had a curveball thrown to me a couple weeks ago when I found out my boss was interviewing and has now hired a girl who was involved in making sure my sixth grade year and then some were a living nightmare.  I have no way of escaping this so I am super anxious about this as well.  However today I was talking to a friend about these things and she reminded me of something that, unfortunately I need reminding of quite frequently, "Even when you are stressed and busy, set aside time for you and God.  That will center your whole day."  I am the absolute worst at this and it is so easy for me to do, but when I get slammed and start getting anxious about stuff I tend to set my God time aside.  He kind of gets set on the back burner, I think it's because I know He will always be there and I have stuff in my life on deadlines.  This is the absolute worst way of thinking, but honestly I revert back to this every time.  I am so hard to discipline with this stuff. I am a mega worry wart.  So, I decided when I got home from work I would take some time to sit and just listen to what He had to say to me.  

One of the best things God has used to speak to me is music.  All kinds of music.  Something that I heard today was in the song Lean by The National from the Hunger Games: Catching Fire soundtrack. The very first line is, "Everybody needs a prayer, and needs a friend."  Something I struggle with is letting people help me.  I try hard to do things on my own because things were always easier that way growing up.  Not that my parents don't help me by any means.  I love my parents so much for everything they have done and taught me to get me to where I am now.  They continue to teach me everyday.  I just always wanted to try to do stuff on my own so that I wouldn't add any extra on to their load.  Anyways, hearing that phrase "Everybody needs a prayer, and needs a friend," it was like He was reminding me, "Eden, its ok to have a little help.  Everybody needs it."  I also saw this picture posted on To Write Love on Her Arms facebook page that had a quote, "You'll need coffee shops and sunsets and roadtrips.  Airplanes and passports and new songs and old songs, but people more than anything else.  YOU WILL NEED OTHER PEOPLE and you will need to be that other person to someone else, a living, breathing, screaming invitation to believe better things."  I heard that one loud and clear God. Thanks.  So I decided to take some action and do some digging to hear more.

A few weeks ago I found my old Bible at my parents house.  When I opened it up and started flipping through it I realized how far gone I used to be and utterly lost.  It was like someone else's book.  Not mine.  I am so incredibly blessed beyond belief to be where I am in my life now.  I truly have let go of some of that stuff from the past that had been weighing me down and holding be to the bottom of my own ocean, alone.  However occasionally there were pieces that I found highlighted or marked that I didn't remember why I had unless to unintentionally help me right meow.  Here are a few verses I found.

Matthew 6:27 "And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life?"

Matthew 6:34 "Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the is its own trouble."

Zechariah 1:3 "...Return to me, says the Lord of hosts, and I will return to you."

Acts 17:27 "they should seek God, in the hope that they might feel their way toward him and find him. Yet he is actually not far from each one of us, for 'In him we live and move and have our being.'"

So basically...I hear you God.  Thanks.  I am so incredibly blessed to have the people in my life helping me and guiding me in the right direction when I start to venture off the path.  I am thankful this Thanksgiving for those people in my life that are "a living, breathing, screaming invitation to believe better things." You know who you are.  I love you all very much.  

Happy Thanksgiving!

If That's the Way It Is, Then That's the Way It Is.

I found my old bible the other day at my parents house.  When I opened it up and started flipping through the pages I found a reoccurring theme.  I was so lost for so long.  What's awesome about that though is even though while I was going through all of that in the dark blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back, there is physical evidence of my struggle and attempt to find bearings.  Another thing that's awesome about seeing that is knowing that it means I've found my steady ground and my hands are untied.  It's truly an amazing feeling taking time to reflect on where you've been and where you are now knowing that while it was going on it felt like the whole world was spinning around you at hyper speed while you were in your bubble paralyzed by the nonexistence of time.  Seeing these things and reflecting on that made me realize though that I'm hoping never to get lost in a situation like that again.  I'm ready to let go of it all and move on.  Oh, but I've heard that before from myself.  That's a difficult task for sure.

I lie to myself all the time especially around the holidays for the sake of my family.  I feel like our motto for dealing with difficult situations is just, "If that's the way it is, then that's the way it is."  All the while I'm stuck over here, because when I say I let something go, I don't.  I hold on to it.  I bury it deep and far away, but it's still there lingering in the past.  I'm tired of pretending that I've let it go though just so that it makes other people more comfortable.  I shouldn't have to hold on to that all the while everyone goes about their business like it never happened.  We all were effected by it.  I think it makes things a million times worse and harder to hold on to it and pretend like everything's ok and "normal."  It makes us all end up feeling like we're dealing with it all on our own.  What's worse is knowing that what exactly happened is not your story to tell, but the only way to be free of how it effected you is to tell their story too.  It makes everything all muggy and gray.  I hate that.  Why must life be so confusing all the time? All I want is to be free and rid of this, but the only way I know how sounds and feels selfish.  Does that mean it's wrong?  I think sometimes it's ok to be selfish, but then again is that just me being selfish trying to justify temporary selfishness? I guess if that's the way it is, then that's the way it is.  

The Times You're Healing.

It's 11:00 at night and my mind is absolutely racing.  No, it's not jumping from one thought to the next, but rather running in circles.  It just keeps hitting the same spots over and over.  Talk about beating a dead horse.  Look, I know I'm only 24, but I typically am asleep by 10:30.  This is a rarity.  Here lately though I've had so much on mind, and I can't get her to shut up. 

As usual my relationship with God seems to be the common thread between nights, when you get down to the nitty gritty of things.  I had a conversation a few weeks back with a friend who just very simply straight up asked me how that was going.  I was honest in saying I was in a much better place than I had been, but it's still under major reconstruction. A constant struggle to, not get back to where I was before, but drag myself back to solid ground.  A couple years ago when I finally decided to be open and honest with myself about how I had felt abandoned by God and was so incredibly angry at Him for it, I was having doubts. I started to legitimately question if any of it was real. It wasn't long after I started in with those thoughts that God threw Himself in my face and made me realize I was giving up and that's not at all who I am.  Ever since then, I've been trying to work with Him and get through this stuff. It's an extremely slow process unfortunately. And as I lay awake tonight all I can think of is the song Transalanticism.  It's exactly how I feel.  It's this guy who describes how his world completely changes practically overnight, and while everyone else around him can see something good in it all he sees is himself getting more and more isolated. And he wants to get back to where he was but now that everything has changed it seems like it's too far, farther than ever before. 

The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...

The clouds above opened up and let it out.

I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere

When the water filled every hole.

And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,

Making islands where no island should go.

Oh no.

Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.

I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.

The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.

The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row

It seems farther than ever before

Oh no.

I need you so much closer

I need you so much closer 

So come on, come on 

This is basically how my relationship with God is. Everything has changed, but at the same time all it takes is the same thing it always takes, time spent with Him, shutting up and listening and soaking Him in. But after everything it seems like it will take so much more than ever before to get back to where I feel solid. 

It's a never ending battle. However if there is one thing I have and continue to learn and feel through all of this is the consistency of God's love. He really is here waiting for me whenever I'm ready. The master of patience. He has to be to deal with me!  I was listening to this song, Times, on my way home from work today and it is a daily reminder of this for me. 

I know I need You

I need to love You

I'd love to see You but it's been so long 

I long to feel You

I feel this need for You

I need to hear You

Is that so wrong

Now You pull me near You

When we're close I fear You

Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done 

Are You done forgiving

Or can You look past my pretending, Lord

I'm so tired of defending what I've become

What have I become

I hear You say

My love is over

It's underneath

It's inside

It's in between 

The times that you doubt me

When you can't feel

The times that you question

Is this for real 

The times you're broken

The times that you mend

The times you hate me

And the times that you bend 

Well my love is over

It's underneath

It's inside

It's in between 

The times that you're healing

And when your heart breaks

The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace 

The times you're hurting

The times that you heal

The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal 

In times of confusion

In chaos and pain

I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame 

I'm there through your heart-ache

I'm there in the storm

My love I will keep you by my power alone 

I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been

I'll never forsake you

My love never ends

It never ends. 

.....On a much lighter note....have a wonderful Halloween!!  

Hope Vs. Fear

     You know that feeling when you're laying down in the dark by yourself and the whole world seems still even though you know it's not.  When you just lay there and think about not life, but your life.  Not all the possibilities, but all that has been and how that has effected you right up to the very moment you're laying in bed alone thinking about your life.  It drives me crazy knowing some of the things I have a hard time dealing with stem from things that happened so long ago and I can't change that.  For example, the things that happen in life when you are a kid and it seems as though it's earth shattering but then your parents try to put things back into perspective for you and try to tell you that in the end it won't be that big of a deal.  Then,  over a decade later you're laying in bed in the dark alone thinking about everything that's happened in your life and has brought you to this very moment thinking about why you are the way you are and why you have certain fears or certain personality traits, and you realize that one of those earth shattering childhood events really is a an earth shattering event that has molded you into who you are today whether its good, bad or neutral.  

     One of my biggest fears is abandonment.  I know that God created us not to be alone and so we should strive for that fellowship whether its with Him or with others, fellowship nonetheless.  But for me its more than that.  I don't know exactly how to explain it, but its more than just a fear of being by myself.  Its a fear of being alone without people to care about or people to care about me.  I know how selfish that sounds, but its honest.  In these moments that I'm laying in bed alone in the dark I get to thinking about my life and my traits and my fears.  This of course forces me to see where I come from.  The most frustrating part is knowing why, but not knowing or understanding how to change that.  It sucks.  It makes me mad, sad, annoyed and makes me feel incredibly small and helpless.  I hate feeling this way so, what do I do?  I surround myself with people so I don't have to be alone.  Before Caleb and I met I had to have music if I was sleeping by myself because it was the only way I could drown myself out.  But when we first started dating he would come over and lay down with me while I fell asleep.  One night I fell asleep at his apartment and there was no music to drown myself out, but there was also nothing to drown out.  Now I don't have to have music unless I am alone trying to fall asleep, but the frustrating thing being that no matter how hard I try or how much I pray for help this fear always creeps in.  In all actuality "creep" would be putting it mildly.  It's more of like a ten foot wave crashing down and I'm drowning.  

     Even more frustrating is knowing that people come and go in EVERYONE'S lives so often, why does it effect me in the way that it does?  Am I defective?  Did I somehow miss the lesson on coping with people leaving my life, so now every time someone backs out I feel completely abandoned?  What's even stranger is the fact that really no one super close to me has ever died.  I have never felt that before.  Almost worse than having someone die that's close to you is having someone super close to check out, but still pretend they're right there for you and everything's alright, so that everyday it's in your face they are choosing not to be with you, year after year after year.  It's hard.  It makes everything else hard in your life like letting someone in to care about you and for you to care about them because you are constantly terrified that if you do they too will choose to leave.  When it happens enough in your life you begin to think that its not them but it really is you.

     So, that I don't end this on such a Debs Downer I will say this, sometimes someone comes along and tries everyday to reach you and is always ready just in case today is that day.  Someone comes along and surprises you and sees you for who you were meant to be without all these fears and knows beyond all of that you are a beautiful person and can see that you are something to be treasured.  For me, luckily, that someone found me and is still trying everyday.  Some days are better than others, but its always something I have to battle with.  Giving people not only second chances but a first chance as well.  Don't give up no matter what your fear is.  No matter how hopeless your battle may feel, there is always hope if you want there to be hope.  After all as President Snow says in the Hunger Games, "Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."  Just remember patience, unfortunately, is a necessity when fighting, as frustrating as that is.