As usual my relationship with God seems to be the common thread between nights, when you get down to the nitty gritty of things. I had a conversation a few weeks back with a friend who just very simply straight up asked me how that was going. I was honest in saying I was in a much better place than I had been, but it's still under major reconstruction. A constant struggle to, not get back to where I was before, but drag myself back to solid ground. A couple years ago when I finally decided to be open and honest with myself about how I had felt abandoned by God and was so incredibly angry at Him for it, I was having doubts. I started to legitimately question if any of it was real. It wasn't long after I started in with those thoughts that God threw Himself in my face and made me realize I was giving up and that's not at all who I am. Ever since then, I've been trying to work with Him and get through this stuff. It's an extremely slow process unfortunately. And as I lay awake tonight all I can think of is the song Transalanticism. It's exactly how I feel. It's this guy who describes how his world completely changes practically overnight, and while everyone else around him can see something good in it all he sees is himself getting more and more isolated. And he wants to get back to where he was but now that everything has changed it seems like it's too far, farther than ever before.
The Atlantic was born today and I'll tell you how...
The clouds above opened up and let it out.
I was standing on the surface of a perforated sphere
When the water filled every hole.
And thousands upon thousands made an ocean,
Making islands where no island should go.
Oh no.
Those people were overjoyed; they took to their boats.
I thought it less like a lake and more like a moat.
The rhythm of my footsteps crossing flatlands to your door have been silenced forever more.
The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row
It seems farther than ever before
Oh no.
I need you so much closer
I need you so much closer
So come on, come on
This is basically how my relationship with God is. Everything has changed, but at the same time all it takes is the same thing it always takes, time spent with Him, shutting up and listening and soaking Him in. But after everything it seems like it will take so much more than ever before to get back to where I feel solid.
It's a never ending battle. However if there is one thing I have and continue to learn and feel through all of this is the consistency of God's love. He really is here waiting for me whenever I'm ready. The master of patience. He has to be to deal with me! I was listening to this song, Times, on my way home from work today and it is a daily reminder of this for me.
I know I need You
I need to love You
I'd love to see You but it's been so long
I long to feel You
I feel this need for You
I need to hear You
Is that so wrong
Now You pull me near You
When we're close I fear You
Still I'm afraid to tell you all that I've done
Are You done forgiving
Or can You look past my pretending, Lord
I'm so tired of defending what I've become
What have I become
I hear You say
My love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between
The times that you doubt me
When you can't feel
The times that you question
Is this for real
The times you're broken
The times that you mend
The times you hate me
And the times that you bend
Well my love is over
It's underneath
It's inside
It's in between
The times that you're healing
And when your heart breaks
The times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
The times you're hurting
The times that you heal
The times you go hungry and are tempted to steal
In times of confusion
In chaos and pain
I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
I'm there through your heart-ache
I'm there in the storm
My love I will keep you by my power alone
I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been
I'll never forsake you
My love never ends
It never ends.
.....On a much lighter note....have a wonderful Halloween!!
