One of my biggest regrets in the past couple of years is not respecting time, taking advantage of it. I know that when you start a relationship with someone you don't go into ever thinking that it's going to end. Logically that would be the way to go, but love doesn't understand logic unfortunately. When you go into a relationship you agree to lose your mind for the sake of your heart. Growing up you are always told to guard your heart, but I've realized that's impossible if you want love. There's not a timeline to follow on this, because no matter what the second you let your guard down you've let it down for good and that other person has complete control from that moment on. If and when that person hurts you, its not going to matter if you let it down the day before or 11 months before. You trusted them wholly either way. So, I hate when people tell you to guard your heart. All it does is make you cautious and take advantage of time. You think you're going to have time to get to know someone to the point where you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that they won't hurt you, but you never will and you'll miss out on so much with them. Everybody serves a purpose in your life. Why not give them their full potential? Don't be cautious and afraid of being hurt. Everyone gets hurt. We have to learn how to pick up the pieces and keep moving.
When I was in high school I had a myspace and I discovered OneRepublic. Their first album, Dreaming Out Loud, was yet to be completed but they had three or four songs on their site. I immediately fell in love with them. On their second album, Waking Up, they have a song that has been a bit of an anthem for me here lately. It's called Marching On. For the past year I have been in a really weird place. My world was completely shaken last year when I was hurt by the person closest to me. This break-up was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do or go through. I can confidently say this because I have changed more in the past twenty-four months than I have in the previous twenty years of my life. I took a little break from life last year and this summer was forced to face reality that no matter how badly I wanted time to either stop completely or reverse it was continuing to tick on and I was standing still. Everyday is a constant struggle. I have to consciously remind myself not to think of him, not to listen to certain songs, not to stand still. There is a line in the song that says, "There ain't no other step than one foot right in front of the other." For so long I would pray to just go to sleep and wake up when I was over everything and would be fine, but there isn't another way to move on through this except to march on one step at a time. I used to get so mad at myself too when I would have a bad day and set myself back 500 steps, but again another line from the song, "We'll have the days we break, and we'll have the scars to prove it....We put one foot in front of the other, we move like we ain't got no other. We go when we go, we're marching on." I just will remind myself that it's going to happen, but you pick it up and go move on again. There are days when I am completely exhausted from all of this, but I've just got to go when I go. It's sounds so cheesy and lame and corny, but it works for me. I'm definitely a work in progress, but what counts is that I'm in progress. Somehow I keep marching on.
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