If That's the Way It Is, Then That's the Way It Is.

I found my old bible the other day at my parents house.  When I opened it up and started flipping through the pages I found a reoccurring theme.  I was so lost for so long.  What's awesome about that though is even though while I was going through all of that in the dark blindfolded with my hands tied behind my back, there is physical evidence of my struggle and attempt to find bearings.  Another thing that's awesome about seeing that is knowing that it means I've found my steady ground and my hands are untied.  It's truly an amazing feeling taking time to reflect on where you've been and where you are now knowing that while it was going on it felt like the whole world was spinning around you at hyper speed while you were in your bubble paralyzed by the nonexistence of time.  Seeing these things and reflecting on that made me realize though that I'm hoping never to get lost in a situation like that again.  I'm ready to let go of it all and move on.  Oh, but I've heard that before from myself.  That's a difficult task for sure.

I lie to myself all the time especially around the holidays for the sake of my family.  I feel like our motto for dealing with difficult situations is just, "If that's the way it is, then that's the way it is."  All the while I'm stuck over here, because when I say I let something go, I don't.  I hold on to it.  I bury it deep and far away, but it's still there lingering in the past.  I'm tired of pretending that I've let it go though just so that it makes other people more comfortable.  I shouldn't have to hold on to that all the while everyone goes about their business like it never happened.  We all were effected by it.  I think it makes things a million times worse and harder to hold on to it and pretend like everything's ok and "normal."  It makes us all end up feeling like we're dealing with it all on our own.  What's worse is knowing that what exactly happened is not your story to tell, but the only way to be free of how it effected you is to tell their story too.  It makes everything all muggy and gray.  I hate that.  Why must life be so confusing all the time? All I want is to be free and rid of this, but the only way I know how sounds and feels selfish.  Does that mean it's wrong?  I think sometimes it's ok to be selfish, but then again is that just me being selfish trying to justify temporary selfishness? I guess if that's the way it is, then that's the way it is.