Hope Vs. Fear

     You know that feeling when you're laying down in the dark by yourself and the whole world seems still even though you know it's not.  When you just lay there and think about not life, but your life.  Not all the possibilities, but all that has been and how that has effected you right up to the very moment you're laying in bed alone thinking about your life.  It drives me crazy knowing some of the things I have a hard time dealing with stem from things that happened so long ago and I can't change that.  For example, the things that happen in life when you are a kid and it seems as though it's earth shattering but then your parents try to put things back into perspective for you and try to tell you that in the end it won't be that big of a deal.  Then,  over a decade later you're laying in bed in the dark alone thinking about everything that's happened in your life and has brought you to this very moment thinking about why you are the way you are and why you have certain fears or certain personality traits, and you realize that one of those earth shattering childhood events really is a an earth shattering event that has molded you into who you are today whether its good, bad or neutral.  

     One of my biggest fears is abandonment.  I know that God created us not to be alone and so we should strive for that fellowship whether its with Him or with others, fellowship nonetheless.  But for me its more than that.  I don't know exactly how to explain it, but its more than just a fear of being by myself.  Its a fear of being alone without people to care about or people to care about me.  I know how selfish that sounds, but its honest.  In these moments that I'm laying in bed alone in the dark I get to thinking about my life and my traits and my fears.  This of course forces me to see where I come from.  The most frustrating part is knowing why, but not knowing or understanding how to change that.  It sucks.  It makes me mad, sad, annoyed and makes me feel incredibly small and helpless.  I hate feeling this way so, what do I do?  I surround myself with people so I don't have to be alone.  Before Caleb and I met I had to have music if I was sleeping by myself because it was the only way I could drown myself out.  But when we first started dating he would come over and lay down with me while I fell asleep.  One night I fell asleep at his apartment and there was no music to drown myself out, but there was also nothing to drown out.  Now I don't have to have music unless I am alone trying to fall asleep, but the frustrating thing being that no matter how hard I try or how much I pray for help this fear always creeps in.  In all actuality "creep" would be putting it mildly.  It's more of like a ten foot wave crashing down and I'm drowning.  

     Even more frustrating is knowing that people come and go in EVERYONE'S lives so often, why does it effect me in the way that it does?  Am I defective?  Did I somehow miss the lesson on coping with people leaving my life, so now every time someone backs out I feel completely abandoned?  What's even stranger is the fact that really no one super close to me has ever died.  I have never felt that before.  Almost worse than having someone die that's close to you is having someone super close to check out, but still pretend they're right there for you and everything's alright, so that everyday it's in your face they are choosing not to be with you, year after year after year.  It's hard.  It makes everything else hard in your life like letting someone in to care about you and for you to care about them because you are constantly terrified that if you do they too will choose to leave.  When it happens enough in your life you begin to think that its not them but it really is you.

     So, that I don't end this on such a Debs Downer I will say this, sometimes someone comes along and tries everyday to reach you and is always ready just in case today is that day.  Someone comes along and surprises you and sees you for who you were meant to be without all these fears and knows beyond all of that you are a beautiful person and can see that you are something to be treasured.  For me, luckily, that someone found me and is still trying everyday.  Some days are better than others, but its always something I have to battle with.  Giving people not only second chances but a first chance as well.  Don't give up no matter what your fear is.  No matter how hopeless your battle may feel, there is always hope if you want there to be hope.  After all as President Snow says in the Hunger Games, "Hope. It is the only thing stronger than fear."  Just remember patience, unfortunately, is a necessity when fighting, as frustrating as that is.